I cried yesterday. Hard. In public. I have been putting this off for a long time, afraid that if I started I would lose my grip and let all my balls drop. Well, you know what? My balls all dropped, for about 15 minutes. Then I wiped away the tears, picked them all up and moved on feeling much better. The world in fact did not end. I think the last straw was my GPS. I was running late to an appointment at a restaurant I had never visited. I knew within a few blocks where it was but had never actually seen it. So, I get to a place I know is very close and my GPS says “Make a legal U turn when possible”. So, I get to a very large intersection and wait to make my U turn. I wait and wait and wait. It seems as if the light cycled 3 or 4 times before it finally got to me. So I make my U turn and the GPS immediately responds by saying “Make a legal U turn when possible”. Really? Circles? I couldn’t help to think what an apt metaphor that was for the way I was feeling. I was literally circling my own drain. I have allowed my stress level to reach such a frenzy that I could not see a path forward. This was literally the last straw.
When I finally reached the restaurant and the very kind, understanding person I was meeting, the seal broke and I began to cry. She very patiently listened to me while I kept apologizing saying that I never do this and her response was “Well maybe that’s your problem.” She had a point. I guess crying to me carries a certain stigma these days. Like I’m in over my head, I can’t handle it, that if I start I won’t stop. What if this means I’m in a depression or something? Well odds are, any normal person would be stressed out in my situation. So I need to understand that even though I am bipolar, I am entitled to the normal range of human emotion. Utter detachment is not the goal. In fact, I would dare to assume it’s pretty unhealthy. I guess the goal should be to have appropriate or proportional reactions to life’s challenges. Seems a fuzzy target I know, but I guess I will know it when I see it. I elected to view yesterday as a proportional reaction to the last 2-3 months of life experience I’ve had. Actually, I’ll take it one step further and say I have chosen to see yesterday as the turning point. I hit my bottom, I cried, I released some steam, I picked up all my balls and I’m moving forward with new energy, focus and resolve. Not too shabby for a Saturday.