Tag Archives: dating

62 Pounds – Yeah, I’ll take it, but what next?

So, it’s been 4.5 months since the weight loss surgery and I’m 62 pounds down. This is about average. I can see the number on the scale drop and most of my clothes look ridiculous (even the smaller ones I had saved “just in case”) but when I look in the mirror I still can’t see the difference. I wonder if there will ever be a time when my perception equals the reality of my new body. I still have a long way to go on the body part but that’s a breeze compared to the mental work I will need to do. Will I ever be able to look in the mirror and not see a fat person looking back? Is the constant berating from my childhood permanently affixed to my self-perception? Will I ever admit to myself that I’ve been hiding behind my fat suit in order to avoid intimacy? (OK, well I guess I just admitted that, so check one thing off the list)

What if people (men) start to notice me in “that way”? I’m not sure how I would react. I would probably be terrified or have a high school flashback and just assume they are mocking me. And what about…….lord help me……dating? Ugh it makes me nauseous to even think about it. But there’s another part of me that craves that elusive companionship and wonders what it’s really like to fall in love. I mean, I’m 44 and have never had a truly, mutually loving relationship. That’s messed up. I really don’t want to live the second half of my life never having experienced that feeling. It just seems so hollow to live this way, but I don’t know how to change it. It’s like I have the romantic relationship maturity of a 14 year old. My logic-brain gets it but logic-brain is easily usurped by low-self-esteem brain and gets it’s ass kicked regularly by set-in-my-ways brain.

I guess I’m just going to have to go with the flow on that one. My mom used to say “Every pot has a lid”. So, Mr. Lid, if you are out there, drop me a hint. And if I run away just grab my handle and hang on to it until I simmer down.

On “Nextness”

Image

Have you ever had that feeling of craving the next thing? I don’t know if it’s a person, or a place, or something I’m supposed to be doing but there is this giant hole in my life right now. I have great friends, a challenging and interesting job that I love, but I’m on empty. I’m generally ok with being alone and that may not even be the issue but something is just off.

I can’t quite put my finger on it but I’m deflated by this sudden onset of melancholy. I wouldn’t call it a depression, at least not yet, but I am stubborn and this situation will not get the better of me. Some people hug-it-out but I will write-it-out until I can pinpoint the nextness that I’m searching for.

So here I sit in my yellow chaise lounge (because when you are writing your way through an existential crisis you always need a yellow chaise lounge) and ponder as I type. I think in some ways I do miss actively dating and maybe that lack of human contact could finally be taking its toll.

This is not a singles ad… this is a thought process. How does the single woman sustain herself in a place of balance after a prolonged phase of well, nothingness? I mean, I can take care of myself, I always have. But you can’t independent your way out of a void, can you? Maybe my stubborn independence is what brought me here in the first place. I guess you get back what you put out into the world and what I’ve been putting out there is the fact that I don’t need anyone. So, what if I *want * someone? That’s normal, right? So why do I feel like wanting someone in my life makes me needy?

Also, what’s so terrible about being needy anyway? We are not here to be creatures of isolation, we are meant to interact, to help one another, even to love on occasion. This seems like the normal state of things so why does it scare me? And another thing, referring back to my first paragraph, it might not even be a person that I need. But it is definitely a change. I have no idea what that change might be or when it will happen, but I will embrace the anticipation of it.

Anyway, less whining, more taking action. I’ve never been one to shy away from a challenge. Something is inevitably about to rock my world, I’ll make sure of it. In the absence of someone to share my life goals I will continue to set my own. I can do this. I can drag my lazy ass out of pouty town and do this thing. I’m all in

Let’s call this the beginning of a journey into nextness. This could even be fun.