I’ve never been the patient sort
Have rarely kept my ship in port
I’d rather be out sailing free
You’ll never take that wheel from me
Please don’t tie me to the dock
If stowed away, I’ll pick the lock
And push myself out to the brink
Damn the wind, refuse to sink
I wish I could let loose the sail
Risk the stumble, dare to fail
Alas I can’t control my fate
I guess sometimes you have to wait
Yesterday I was needy. That’s pretty far up there on the things I hate most in this world list. I was mightily annoyed with myself for feeling needy which made me feel even more inadequate which made me even more needy….and so on. Infinite loop of need. Blech.
There were two ways I could handle it. I could internalize it, which is what I usually do (put on my big girl pants and get over it), but in this case I suspected it would have spiraled me into a depression which I quite frankly don’t have the time for right now. Alternatively I could reach out for help. I’m always terrible at asking for help. It literally makes me nauseous. Some days I think all I have going for me is my lack of needing help. It makes me feel safe. If you need nobody, nobody will disappoint you. I know this is irrational and self-defeating and not a healthy way to live, but the irrational me was in charge yesterday.
I can count on far less than one hand the people I am willing to reach out to when I feel this way. Yesterday I decided to reach out. The person I reached out to knows me well enough to know I don’t wave the flag unless I really have to. So he dropped what he was doing and made time for me. He talked me through it, said all the things I needed to hear to feel whole and balanced again, and spent time just listening. And the thing that really helps is that I think that he genuinely believes the kind and caring things he says. He wasn’t just placating me. He cares. Some days knowing there’s at least one person who cares is all you really need when you’re needy.
So to you, my dear friend, this is your Thank You note. Thanks for putting me back together…..again.